


Gone

by starlightfelix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Lee Minho | Lee Know is Whipped, M/M, Missing Persons, angsty, i love stray kids sorry for the angst kids, listen bros i had an emo idea and i ran with it, minsung owns me, we all need a good cry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-01-31 15:06:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightfelix/pseuds/starlightfelix
Summary: He was his best friend, his other half and they had a promise to be in this forever. However, how quickly that could all change when you hear the news that your everything has gone missing.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> hello! so this is my first skz fanfic which is very scary but very exciting because i've been wanting to write one for so long but all my ideas are caca until this one came along and i said, this is the one chief. so hopefully it's good enough you all enjoy it and uh yeah please leave any comments or feedback or anything! either on here in thy comments section okay i must leave now uwu enjoy <3

_ His cheeks puffed up as the smile on his face widened, staring down at the sand. His tiny hand reached down and scooped up a little handful of it. A small giggle leaving his mouth as he saw the two small red and black dotted bugs walking on it, their wings happily flapping as if they were saying hello to the small boy.   _

_  “Wait here little friends,” He softly whispered and placed them down on top of his shining red bucket. He then laid down on his tummy, alone in the sandbox, happily making a little hill for his buggie friends with his hands scooping up sand and creating the hills. Time went by and the chubby-cheeked boy kept grinning and giggling with happiness as he created the home. When finally achieving dumping the last pile of sand, he clapped his hands excitedly, proudly beaming at it. The more he proudly beamed at it though, the more he noticed that something was definitely missing for the shelter of his friends. _

_ “Hm.” He wondered to himself as he stroked his chin, eyes looking all over the playground to find the finishing touch for his hill. His eye caught on quickly to a colorful object at the corner of the playground, it was pink and beautiful, clearly screaming their beauty towards him. _

_ He gleamed as he stood up, “I’ll be right back bubs,” He crouched down, smiling at the bucket before running over to the patch of pink flowers. When he got to his destination, his knees gently touched the ground, beginning to softly pull some flowers from the patch of grass.  _

_   Feeling pride as he thought of how beautiful his house for his buggies was going to be. The flowers stayed in his small hands, quickly putting them in the pocket of his overalls before running over back to his sandbox.  _

_ The happiness didn't last long though, immediately draining out of him as he saw a group of boys gathered around his hard work.  _

_ They all smirked and laughed at it, “You’re so weird! Building houses for bugs? That’s so gay! You fairy!” The boy in the front chuckled as the rest of the group laughed as he watched the boy’s foot go up in slow motion. Tears breaking out of his eyes in an instant. _

_  “No! Please!’ The chubby cheek boy cried, holding out his hand and running as fast as he could to stop it. _

_ Unfortunately, due to his small legs and the barrier of the sandbox, he tripped and ended up not making it on time. The boy already kicked the hills and the bucket, all of his hardwork gone and the ladybugs lost in the depths of the sand. “Bugs aren’t friends, weirdo.” He scoffed, kicking more sands over the bugs, making them run all over desperately, not being able to flap their wings due to the heaviness of the piles of sand. _

_    Complete sadness washed over him as he sobbed in the middle of the playground, quickly dragging his knees to the bucket while desperately trying to get the sand out of the bucket and in search to find his black and red buddies. The tears in his eyes blocked him from being able to search for the bugs and his pants were now completely covered in sand as the boys kept laughing and throwing sand at him. _

_ “This is why you don’t have any friends! Go back to the forest, Squirrel!” They mocked and laughed, making the smaller boy pull his knees to his chest and sob, not knowing what else to do. He kept hearing the laughs and the mocks until suddenly he heard a voice speak loudly, _

 

_ “You’re the only loser here Kim! Get out of here before I shove caterpillars down you and your friends pants and hopefully they bite your butt so hard you won’t be able to sit down!’ The new voice spoke to the group of boys, standing protectively in front of the small broken boy.  _

_ The front man of the group gasped and his hands flew to his butt, already painting the imagery the other boy painted for him in his head. "I’m going to tell the teacher!" He yelled before all the mocks and laughs stopped and instead heard the steps of the boys running away. The voice of the other boy sat criss-cross in front of the sad boy, looking at him sympathetically.  The smaller, cuter boy continuing to sob with his face hidden in his knees, looking down at the sand. His small hands still desperately searching for the bugs. _

_  “Hey, don’t cry.” The voice of the boy softly said scooting closer to him, not caring that he was getting sand all over his butt. The younger boy ignored his plead and kept whimpering softly, missing his bug friends dearly. _

_  “I m-miss buggies.” He sobbed, his voice small and in pain.  _

_ The other boy’s heart hurt as he heard the pain in the smaller boy’s voice. He clicked his tongue as he looked around the sand when luckily a small spot of red was sticking out. He smiled big and reached over, carefully scooping the sand and looking down at the two small bugs. _

_ “Buggie friends missed you too! So much that they fought through and made a comeback!”  _

_  
_ _ “Huh?” The smaller boy pouted looking up slowly, the older boy mesmerized by the sparkling pouty eyes of the boy, absolutely ethereal. A gasp left the lips of the small boy as he saw his friends in the boy’s hand. “Buggies!” He smiled and held out his hand, the older boy slowly tilting his hand down to the other’s to be able to let the small creatures fly down to the squirrel-like boy. The older smiled big as he saw the pouty eyes and a sad smile go to a glowing grin and sparkling eyes as he softly talked to the ladybugs. _

_ “I’m Minho,” The older boy smiled still staring at the boy cooing at his friends. The boy looked up adorably at Minho a small little ‘huh?’ coming out of his mouth before the corners of his lips lifted up to big smile. _

_  “Hi, Minho! I’m Jisung, and these are my buggie friends! Bub and Bubbles, they happy you saved them” He grinned holding out his hand to the boy. Minho smiled at Jisung and then down at the bugs. _

_ “I’m happy I saved them.” He grinned, looking down at the sand. “Do you need help rebuilding their house? We can make them a castle!’ He suggested enthusiastically, a big smile on his face as he saw the happiness filling up in Jisung’s face. _

_  
_ _ “Yes, please! Bubs is definitely a princess so she needs her castle!”  _

 

_ “Let’s do it then!” Minho smiled excitedly, gathering sand around him and Jisung. Jisung placing the ladybugs on top of a small hill in the sand and grinned excitedly at Minho as they both began to build the castle for Jisung’s friends.  _

 

_ After a couple of minutes of building silently next to each other, Jisung looked down at his overall pocket as he took out one flower and placed it on top of the castle. He took out another one but instead just stared at it as he got an idea as he looked up at Minho. _

_  “Hey, Minho?” Jisung asked shyly looking at the boy with his eyes sparkling and his smile as bright as the sun above them, the small pink flower in his hand _

_ “Huh?” Minho replied, still looking down at the sand as he continued to build. _

 

_ “Can you be my friend?” Jisung asked and held out the flower to Minho. Minho from the corner of his eye saw Jisung holding out something towards him so his attention left the sand and instead drifted over to Jisung, grinning as he saw the blush on the boy’s cheeks and the shy smile on his face, making his cheeks more squishy looking. _

 

_ “Yes! I’ll love to!” He grinned happily and took the flower from Jisung and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy, happiness radiating off of him. He grinned as he looked at the flower behind Jisung’s back as his hands were still wrapped around him, the smile never leaving his face. _

 

Tears ran down his face like the water droplets running down his bedroom window as he stared down at a ladybug plushie, holding it close to his chest. He could hear the voices from his friends downstairs, trying to be as hushed as possible.

 “How could he just be gone like that? I literally saw him a week or so ago,” He heard his friend speak softly.

 “I don’t know, I really don’t know where else to look for. I don’t know what to do anymore, he’s been in his room for days ever since our last search. I’m worried sick,”

  “I know, we all are. For both of them. That’s why we have to be strong for both of them Binnie,”

“I don’t know how long I can be strong for,” 

 Minho turned off his ears at that moment and curled up into a ball as he sobbed louder, trying to drown out all the sounds around him. All of his emotions flooding out of him as he squeezed the plushie with all of the strength he had. Every part of his brain clouded with sadness, guilt, anger, and worry.  

 Soon, his thoughts were interrupted as footsteps walked up towards his room, a small knock on the door. “Minho, baby? It’s Chan.” His soft voice said in a hushed, gentle way before opening the door and walking in.

 Minho didn’t even bother looking up from the plushie instead stood frozen as he laid emotionless, exhausted and in denial. Chan’s heart shattering as he saw the situation Minho was in, everything messy and broken. There were piles of pictures of them everywhere, his clothes laid out all over the place, and broken lamps and other several broken decoration pieces on the floor. What broke his heart the most was how Minho’s bed was full of photographs, plushies, clothing and anything relating to the memories of his friend. 

 

Chan walked up to the bed and stared down at a photograph of himself, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin and Him in front of an ice cream shop cheesily grinning at each other. Minho had his arm wrapped around Him as his ice cream was pushed up against the other’s face. Chan picked up the photograph and grinned at it, feeling choked up as he sat down, eyes not leaving the photo.

  “God,” he whispered, his finger softly grazing against the photo. Minho looked towards Chan and saw the photo in his hand. Slowly sitting up, eyes red and puffy, and sat besides Chan, the plushie still in his arms.

  “I remember how happy he was this day, the grin he had when he and Hyunjin blew bubbles in the park and he ate his ice cream. I could still hear his giggles in my head, I miss his giggles.’ A sad smile rested on his face as a single tear rolled down. Chan and him stayed in silence, the small cries and sniffles of Minho being the only soft sounds the boys could hear, alongside the small voice from his roommate in the living room.

“You’ll hear his giggle soon again, don’t worry.” Chan then softly whispered, interrupting the silence. Placing his hand on Minho’s knee in hopes of comfort, Minho chuckled dryly and shook his head in response,

 “Don’t do this shit Chan.”

“What?” The older boy questioned, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Don’t give me hope, don’t tell me this shit that we’ll find him and that he’s alive and that everything will be alright. Don’t do this shit.” He softly growled out in anger, looking down at the plushie. His veins fueling up on overwhelming emotions he confused as anger.

 

“It’s not false hope though. He’s out there Min Min.” Chan softly said, squeezing his knee. Hearing that nickname come out of Chan’s mouth immediately triggered something inside of Minho, he felt an intense rush of emotions causing him to flinch away from Chan and stand up.

 

“Don’t call me that. Don’t give me that shit.”

 

“We’ll find him! He’s alive.” Chan desperately preached standing up, looking at Minho, holding up the photo. Minho shook his head, “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.” Minho softly whispered shaking his head.

  
“You and Jisung will be reunited in no time Minho, please believe me!”

 

“Shut up, shut up, shut up. Get out Chan,” He said, his voice louder and the tears heavier. The older boy tried getting closer to Minho, “Min, please-”

 

“I said, GET OUT.” Minho yelled and pushed Chan, every emotion in his body giving him enough strength to knock the boy down onto the ground, making Chan hit his head against the wall. He hisses out in pain and looks up at Minho. The face on Chan undescriable as he stood up in anger and huffed. His legs walking over to the door, saying no words to Minho who stood in silence staring out the window with angry tears coming out of his eyes. Chan was about to walk out the door when he stopped, hand on the doorknob.

 

“You’re a fucking asshole Minho, an actual piece of shit. No wonder Jisung left,” Chan harshly whispering out in anger, head still throbbing in pain, his eyes slightly looking back at Minho before opening the door and walking out, slamming the door behind him.

 

“Fuck you,” Minho yelled at him before throwing more books to the floor, walking over to a pile of clothing in his chair and throwing it down on the ground. When the clothes hit the ground however, a box also fell out and a bunch of envelopes with numbers imprinted on it scattered around. 

 

He furrowed his eyebrows as he softly kneeled down by the box and looked at it trying to find any sort of answer to his questions. Right in the lid of the box was his answer as two words imprinted on it.

 

_ For: Minho. _

 

Minho’s breath caught in his throat as he desperately looked at all the envelopes scattered around until his hand finally touched the envelope with the number one labeled on it. He grabbed it and stood up to quickly walk over to his bed. He sat down and gently opened the letter, feeling like all breath left his lungs as looked down at the writing on the paper.

_ Minho, _

_  Being dead doesn’t necessarily mean taking your last breath. _

_ Feeling dead is when your last breath is taken away and you’re not you anymore. _

_   We said we were going to be Minho & Jisung forever huh. _

_ Sorry for breaking the promise. _

__


	2. I

_Minho,_

_Being dead doesn’t necessarily mean taking your last breath._

_Feeling dead is when your last breath is taken away and you’re not you anymore._

_We said we were going to be Minho & Jisung forever huh. _

_Sorry for breaking the promise._

Minho stopped reading the words on the page, putting it down slightly to be able to let out a breath. His heart speeding up, “Holy shit.” He whispered, running a hand through his hair before picking up the letter again.

 

_At this point. You're reading this because I have gone missing huh, I'm no longer there. I'm sorry about that Min. Please move on. I know we had our promise to be Minho & Jisung forever and to be by each other's side forever. But I couldn't do it anymore Minho, I couldn't last another year in Korea, not another second, I felt like prison sounded like the better option compared to staying. I would've told you. I would've told you everything. But I didn't want you to worry, I didn't want to see your face if I told you, I didn't want to be the reason you held back everything.   _

_I had to leave as soon as I could without my parents, especially my dad, knowing I ran away so I only left with a box with everything I needed. Bubs the plushie, a polaroid of Chan, Woojin, Changbin, Hyunjin, you and me and your jacket. The dance varsity one. It was your prized possession yet you still only let me borrow it, you would wrap it around my shoulders as we would hang out in the playground together and it was starting to get chilly. When you would randomly just give it to me and I would randomly wear it. I don't mind wearing something with your name on it Min Min._

_God._

_It's going to be so hard to leave you behind._

_When I think about not being able to see you every day, it makes me want to stay._

_I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. You're next to me. You're next to me right now petting Dori, talking sweet to her and rubbing your nose against hers. She's letting out the cutest purrs, she's your little baby. She loves you so much, I could tell why._

_You're amazing Minho._

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you goodbye._

_I just couldn't bring myself to say it._

_Because there's no good in goodbye and there's no good in me without you._

 

Minho stayed silent as he tried not to cry, biting down on his lip. He began to wonder what would've happened if he went with Jisung. If he could've found a way to convince him to stay. If he told Jisung those words, would he have stayed? Worry also clouded his brain as he thought about Jisung not making it safely to where he wanted to run. What if something were to happen to him? There was no way of him knowing if he made it safely.

 

_Don't think I'm dead, I didn't do any harm to myself, I'm okay Min. The only thing that is dead is Han Jisung. I've decided to get rid of him, start over, be someone new. I couldn't handle him existing anymore because I took away his last breath._

_Han Jisung's last breath was you Minho._

_When you're gone, there's no point of him breathing._

_Changing my name, age, and background story altogether. Starting fresh._

_You'll be okay Min. You don't need me, you don't need me to survive as much as I needed you. I convinced myself that you were meant for me but I wasn't meant for you._

_You don't need me Min Min, you're a beautiful person who can make many many friends. You'll be okay_

 

_We've come to the end of this first letter and I just want to thank you Lee Minho._

_Thank you for being my best friend._

_Thank you for walking up to me and helping me build a castle._

_My Min Min._

 

_Sincerely,_

_H._

 

“My Ji.” He softly whispered, his finger grazing the letter softly.

 

Minho knew how difficult it was going to be to find Jisung again because by this time Jisung was gone and it was a completely new person.

Someone who Minho didn't know his name or his age, or his location.

 But he didn't care because Minho needed his Jisung. No matter what it took.

 


	3. II

           Chan stood with his back against the wall, bouncing his knee as he looked up at the grey ceiling, biting down on his lip. His cheeks wet as small tears ran down his face, patiently waiting for the door to open. The boy’s nail scratching against the skin on his hand. His thoughts drowning him in, forgetting how to breathe as they got louder and louder, sinking him in deeper.

 Suddenly, a breath of air came through his lungs. Feeling as if he was pulled out of the water as he heard the door in front of him opened followed by a soft voice calling his name. Chan opened his eyes and saw his breath of air standing there looking as beautiful as ever. Even though he was wearing just sweatpants and a soft yellow sweater, his hair messy but the sparkle in his eyes as bright as ever.

 “Hey Woojin,” His voice managed to choke up as he stood there, admiring him as the only spark of happiness lit up in his heart.

 “What’s up? You usually text me when you’re going to come over,” Woojin responded from the doorframe, standing with his shoulder leaning against the frame and his arms crossed in front of his chest.

 “I was going to um-” Chan replied, stopping to be able to clear his throat as he felt the choking up feel again, using his hands to wipe off the tears, “I was going to text you but my dumbass forgot, sorry.” A dry and almost pained chuckle escaped his lips. The elder stared at him with eyes now filled with worry as he saw the state the boy was in.

 “Don’t apologize Channie, you know you’re always welcomed here.”

Chan let out a shaky breath and stared down at the ground trying to hold strong in front of the boy, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of the one boy he cared about the most. Woojin’s head tilted slightly as he analyzed the state the boy was in and pain filled his veins as he saw the emotions the boy was trying so hard to hide in front of him. Everything in him knew what it had to do as he stepped out of the frame and slowly walked over to the younger boy who stayed staring down at the ground, trying everything he could to stop himself from breaking down in front of the elder.

 Woojin placed his hand on Chan’s chin, gently moving it upwards so the younger made eye contact with him. At that moment, however, Woojin felt his heart shatter. He felt his heart break as he made eye contact with a pair of sparkling pouty and sad eyes. His whole face red and in pain. “Chan,” He whispered and pulled Chan into a hug. When Chan was in contact with the boy’s chest, he felt every ounce of him fall off his shoulders as a feeling of comfort and home overfilled his entire body. Heartbreaking sobs escaping out of him as he let out everything he has been holding in for hours escaped out of him.

          Every second in the clock passed with a tear dripping down alongside it. Chan didn’t want to let go of Woojin as he continued to sob, every part of him weakening as despair and sadness overshadowed everything running in his body. At this point, Chan wished he could just turn everything off. A moment where he didn’t feel this pain anymore.  He wanted it all to stop. Even though he felt at home being in Woojin’s arms and felt the ultimate sense of comfort, he still wanted it all to just stop and rewind to the place where he was with him again.

 Where he saw his puffy cheeks in person, where he saw his smile brighter than the sun. where his laugh would echo throughout the entire world and he would grin at how cute the boy’s laugh was. Where he proudly watched the boy write down lyrics and softly rap them to himself. Where he would watch the boy cry over how much emotions he was feeling and how he wished he could act upon it. Where he remembered all the times the small boy would climb in his bed and hug him until he fell asleep because he knew the boy had a hard time closing his eyes. 

The buzzing noise of the quiet room stopped as Chan held in a breath, another loud heart-shattering sob leaving his mouth. Woojin wrapped his arms around Chan tighter, “Shh, baby it’s okay, it’s okay.” Woojin cooed into his hair holding him close, his leg going around the boy’s waist and pushed him slightly closer to him. The younger held a clutch of Woojin’s shirt in his hand as he cried and cried on his chest.

 “I m-miss him s-so so much,” He sobbed in his arms, visibly shaking from all the uncontrollable emotions he felt. Woojin hugged him tight in the middle of the hallway, his hand clutching on to the small of Chan’s back and his other hand gently brushing through the boy’s hair in a comforting fashion. The elder’s eyes teary as he felt every ounce of pain the younger was feeling, every one of his thoughts rushing back in.

 “We all do love, we all do.” He whispered, kissing the top of his head as he laid his face down on the boy’s head. Silently hoping that the pain would go away soon, that soon he’ll be able to hold the boy and have his heart beat fast for him without feeling the pain the came with it.

 He wanted the pain to be away. He wanted to take away the pain from his friends and from Chan. Especially from Chan. How it pained him to see his sunshine clouded with the dark clouds, thunder louder then the precious laugh the sunshine had.

  He missed the small boy who always caused his sunshine to laugh harder then he has ever. He missed grinning as he heard Minho constantly tease the small boy but then proceed to hug and tickle the small boy leading to the room filling up with the whole group’s giggles. He missed the way the small boy would hug him, his sunshine, Minho and the rest of the group whenever he could and the other boys would jokingly call him ‘annoying’ and ‘clingy’ but still melted onto him as his arms would wrap around them.

 He missed his group, their laughter, their jokes, their fights, their love for each other.

Woojin missed a lot of things about the past but if you had to ask him what was one thing he missed the most he instantly would know the answer.

 He would answer you that the thing he missed the most is being able to smile.

 


	4. III

_Minho,_

 

_You already in the second letter huh? Means either that you truly do care about me or that you just need something to read because you’re bored._

_I’m hoping it’s the first option. Knowing there’s a chance you care about me as much as I do, sparks something inside of me. It gives me the only happiness I have left._

_You’re the only happiness I had left Min._

 

_God, that sounded depressing but it’s so true. I was reminded of that today, I was reminded of how you’re the only light in my life. My parents tried setting me up with another girl today, don’t remember her name and it doesn’t matter because the only person I could ever think about is you. I tried telling my parents that I didn’t want anyone they set me up with, that I would know when I found the right person. My mom yelled at me that I wouldn’t find the right person because I don’t go out there to look for someone._

_Jokes on her, I don’t have to look anymore because I already found what I was looking for._

Minho’s heart jumped at the last sentence, feeling an overwhelming feeling as he kept re-reading that line, thoughts of possibilities clouding his brain. He sat in the middle of his bed with his legs crossed as he continued looking down at the paper.

 

_I don’t know why I let my brain think of shit it shouldn’t be thinking of._

_I don’t know why my heart beats for something it shouldn’t._

_I don’t know why my hands tingle for another hand that it shouldn’t._

_I don’t know why my eyes sparkle brighter when they see someone they shouldn’t be sparkling so bright for._

_I don’t know why._

 

_This is not normal._

_This isn’t normal._

_No one will ever approve of me, this is too weird. My parents already hate me enough for not being normal. They know I’m not normal. That’s why they shove random girls down my lane because they are forcing me to be normal._

 

_I feel like everyone is forcing me to be normal. My parents, classmates, teachers and honestly the whole country of South Korea trying to force me to be normal._

_The only people who are okay with me being me is Chan and Changbin._

_Maybe even Hyunjin and Woojin._

_You?_

_Yeah. You too. Because you have a heart of gold that just knows love._

_It’s beautiful Min Min._

_You’re beautiful._

 

He stopped reading as he felt his cheeks burning up, wiping the tears off of his face. His hands clutched onto the paper tightly before taking a deep breath and continued reading the words.

 

_Chan and Changbin smile at it._

_Assholes._

 

_Chan even sheds some tears as he wrapped his arms around me and told me I deserved happiness and that I’ll find it in this treasure. Changbin agreed and told me I had to pursue this treasure, they had no hint of judging in their voice as they happily listened to me, hearing every word._

 

_I love them._

_Being around them, I felt normal around them.  Even if they say crazy shit like to “pursue my treasure” pft yeah._

_My precious treasure won’t ever want me to pursue it._

_Trust me._

 

_Chan and Changbin, I don’t know how I am going to do it. Leaving them behind. They’re my emotional support. My rocks. I need them in my life. I know missing them may break me apart, no._

_It_ **_will_ ** _break me apart slowly._

 

_They’re here with me right now, they’re laughing in the kitchen making ramen. I’m in the dinner table writing this sneakily, pretending I am writing lyrics for our new mixtape._

_I would never tell them I’m writing these letters._

_It would crush them. I’m like their small baby right now. If they see what I’m planning to do, they would never stop crying and never let me go._

 

_I wish I could just let them hold me forever._

_I wish I could just let you hold me forever._

 

_But I can’t._

_I have to leave,_

_I have to leave in order to breathe again Minho._

_I can’t breathe anymore in this place, I can’t breathe with my parents judging me for everything I do, I can’t breathe with Korea looking at every step I make and disapproving of who I am. I needed to breathe and I had to find my air again, I couldn’t wait for a second more to let it come to me._

 

_I hope you understand._

_I may be sobbing now but it’s okay._

 

_It’s okay._

 

_I don’t even know why I am writing these letters, they’re crushing me._

_They’re hurting. But what hurts more is thinking of you sad and worried whether I was alive or not. I wanted to leave you without questions. I wanted to leave you okay. I wanted to leave you with the knowledge of why I left and to see how I spent my last months here._

 

_This isn’t goodbye letters, I hope you know that. I would never leave you Min. I’m somehow always going to be there. So please don’t be sad. Grab the sadness and throw it out the window._

_I want you to be happy Min Min. You have such a beautiful life as a dancer ahead of you, you’re going to be so happy. You’ll find a beautiful girl who will love you and cherish you. Chan and Changbin will find a way to become a rap duo and be so fucking successful. Hyunjin is going to be the best choreographer in the damn business and Woojin will be the best idol with the most heavenly vocals._

 

_You guys don’t need me. I was just a burden in your futures._

 

_Let me go._

_Forget about me Minho._

 

_You don’t need me as much as I needed you and that’s okay._

_Have a happy life my Min Min._

_You’ll always be my Min Min._

 

_Sincerely,_

 

**_H_ **

 

_[ PS: ] You’re my precious treasure._

_You’re the one who makes my eyes sparkle brighter when you’re around._

_You’re the one whose hand makes mine tingle._

_You’re the only one who ever will make my heart race._

_You’re the one I found._

 

Minho immediately broke down in tears as he read the last lines over and over and over again until the words on the paper became nonexistent. He felt so much. He wanted to find Jisung right now and yell at him for everything. Not because he left but because he never addressed his feelings. If maybe, just maybe, Jisung told him how he felt would Minho have had the power to get him to stay? He was frustrated not only on the fact that Jisung didn’t tell him how he felt but that Minho never told him either. He thought about how different things would have turned out if he just told Jisung everything. If he did that, Jisung would be in his arms right now.

 Safe and sound.

Jisung would be smiling with his cheeks all raised up and his cute teeth sticking out. He would be giggling, begging for Minho to stop tickling him while staring up at him with his bright sparkly eyes and Minho would be looking down at him like he held the entire universe.

 

He needed Jisung.

 

He wiped the tears off of his face as he covered his eyes with his arm. His thoughts now turning to a corner as he thought about everything that could’ve been to what the reality is now. Is Jisung trying to forget Minho? Did everything they ever did together wanted to be erased from Jisung’s memory? Jisung badly wanted Minho to forget him and move on to ‘live a happier life’ but truth be told, he can’t be happy without Jisung.

 

Jisung was _his._

 _His_ precious treasure.

 

“I’m not fucking listening to you Han.” He whispered under his breath and wiped all the tears off of his eyes and instead walked out of his room, grabbing a jacket and the car keys as he walked by.

 

He had to leave.

  
  
  
  



	5. IV

Minho’s car came to a stop as he looked around the familiar neighborhood, an exhale leaving his lips as he stared around the place, hands sweaty. He got out of his car and lo oked at it before taking small steps towards the once well known home. A wonder came to his brain as he looked around the house. Approaching it, he noticed it was empty meaning the owners of the home were probably out which was weird due to the fact it was close to hitting midnight. Minho had a whole speech prepared to what he was going to say to the two owners, explaining his reasoning for being there but it wasn’t needed apparently.

  He walked up slowly to the front steps and tiptoed to reach the small lamp beside the door, leaning his hand in to take out a small silver key. He used it to open the door, slowly stepping inside and closing the door behind him as gentle as he could. The smell of vanilla, lavender and home drifted inside his nose, his heart racing as he remembered that smell belonged to Jisung. Minho sighed as he went up to Jisung’s room, his heart dropping as he saw all of his best friend’s items still there, untouched. A tear leaving his face as he stared at the room, he walked all over the familiar ground. His hand touching the furniture and the photographs resting, a small smile on his face. He grabbed the hoodie that rested on the office chair, holding it close to him and inhaling the smell of his best friend. A rush of comfort running through his veins. He kept walking through the room, now with the hoodie in his hands, still looking through all the photographs. He stopped at a familiar board on the younger’s wall, remembering how the boy always collected magazines, movie tickets, polaroids and even receipts for this particular section of his room surrounded by memories and dreams. The wall however was completely empty except for several things left right in the middle of it.  A receipt, a ripped out page from a story book, a picture of him and Minho in the park and a sticky note with Hyunjin’s writing on it and a paper with what seemed like lyrics or a journal write. Minho furrowed his eyebrows and picked up the remainings of the wall, putting them in the pocket of his hoodie. He stood staring at the wall for a little while longer before his eyes drifted through the room and a smile seemed to show up on his face. He took a deep breath before successfully going out of the house through the window, leaving everything else untouched. Running out of the house through the window reminding him of the time where the sun seemed to have shined

  He locked the window behind him before successfully climbing down the tree, he put the key in the pocket of his jeans. Walking out the fence, looking around to see if the area still was as quiet as it was when he first entered. 

 

_ It was _ , there were no people outside and the only sound heard was those of the crickets and the soft noises the night brought with it.

 He only noticed one light on across from the house and it was from the friendly neighbor of Jisung. Yuna was her name, she was a young sixteen year old with the prettiest red hair Minho has seen, she was sweet and kind and always caught Minho sneaking out of Jisung's house. She would ask many questions to him and tell him he was a coward because even she could see the love he had for him. Minho would give her dance lessons in trade of her staying silent to Jisung about his feelings for his best friend,  _ sometimes _ he just wished he just let the girl tell him. Yuna was one of the first people to comfort Minho when Jisung disappeared, she walked into the dance studio where the boy has locked himself in for days dancing until the point of exhaustion. She wrapped her arms around him and told him that everything would be alright. 

 

This was just a moment in the rain, the sunshine would be out soon.

 

  Minho smiled slightly at the window, tempted to throw a small pebble at it but at the same time not wanting to bother. He agreed with himself and instead just grabbed a flower and left it outside of her porch, knowing she'll see it walking out of her house to get to the dance studio early. He smiled walking away from the house down the street towards his vehicle.

  Hands in his pockets as he walked down the sidewalk, small memories always coming towards him everytime he walked by these streets. Laughter, crying and even screaming echoing his brain as he stared at the cement, the trees, the houses.

  "Jisungie, please come back to me." He whispered to the stars as he stared up at them, silently making a wish, a hope, a chance.

 

-

 

  Changbin sat on the couch tapping his foot along to the theme of the show, his phone sliding through his hands, swinging it from side to side. His eyes seemed concentrated on the idols on the screen dancing a girl group dance with smiles on their faces when the door being unlocked caught his attention.

 

  "Hey Bin," Minho softly said walking in through the door, locking it behind him. His expression dark as always but now with a slight sparkle in his eyes.

  "Hey," Changbin replied, his voice as soft as the wind from outside, fixing the black cap on his head. Minho took his shoes off by the door and hung his keys before walking over to the couch beside his roommate. His legs lifted off the ground and up to the seat, hugging his knees close to his chest as he felt cold inside. The only warmth is the heart beating inside of him as he smelled himself. The smell of Jisung drifting through his veins as he hugged the material closer to him, letting his nose rest on his own arm. The television began to play an advertisement for a skin care company, Changbin staring at it, tapping his fingers against his leg.

  "Where did you go?" 

"To his house. Parents weren't home again so I decided to go in this time,"

"Isn't that trespassing?"

  "Not really, Sungie would let me in anytime and told me where they hid their spare key, so technically it's legal." Minho explained shivering slightly, at how cold he felt.

 

"Ah," the youngest acknowledged, turning his head back to focus on the television. Both of them now watching a makeup ad in complete silence, just the voice of the television yelling. Changbin stopped staring at the tv as it changed to a preview of an upcoming episode of a variety show. Instead, staring at Minho and how pretty the light illuminated his face. A small smile rising on his lips as something funny and obnoxious occured on the screen. Changbin couldn't help but smile.

  He also couldn't help but look at the way Minho shivered, wrapping himself completely in what the rapper knew as Jisung's hoodie. Minho's tiny hands hidden in the hole of darkness that is the sleeves of the hoodie.

 

"Cold, Min?"  He asked, chuckling slightly placing his phone down on the coffee table as the elder nodded slightly.

  "Yeah, don't know why." He whispered, holding his arms closer and rubbing his hands on his arms to hopefully warm him up. The younger reached behind him and held the couch blanket in his arms, debating whether or not to hand it to the boy.

 Instead, he had a better option which made him happily smirk.  He wrapped it around his own shoulders before looking up at Minho, the smirk resting on his face.

 

"Come on," Changbin suggested gesturing his head towards him. Minho stared away from the bright television colors and instead looked over at Changbin,  giving him a confused look and a slightly growing amused grin,

 

   "Are you cold too?"

 

"Yes, now come over here before I regret it Lee." 

 

Minho chuckled before getting out of his small sofa and instead walked over to where the younger sat, sitting on his lap with his feet on the couch. Feeling immediate comfort when the boy wrapped his arms around him with the blanket, Minho melting onto him. He let out a satisfied sigh as he buried his head further into the youngers chest.

  "Han is right," Changbin chuckled softly smiling down at the boy, "you are indeed cuddly. Like a cat," Minho laughed quietly, his face still buried, smelling how good Changbin's scent was.

 

  "Shut up, you and Jisung are my worst enemies," He joked leading to the two boys shared a laugh before a soft silence fell over them. Both comforted in each other's embrace. As the television remained the only noise in the otherwise.dead silent apartment, Minho slowly felt his eyes closed as he cuddled closer to the smaller boy. Face buried in his chest, hearing his heartbeat. Changbin had a small smile on his face as he let his fingers run through his friend's hair, eyes sparkling as he saw how content Minho was. So peaceful, and  _ okay _ . Changbin's own eyes betrayed him as they started to feel heavy, closing slowly as his arms wrapped around the boy closer to him, making sure the blanket was still protecting Minho.

  The television continued to play some TV program, noise now just a background sound as the night filled with moonlight and filling the space was just echoing of the soft snores and breathing of the boys.

 

-

 

 When the sun was coming up and small rays of light entered through the window, Minho felt his eyes opening up and his heart warm as he felt the arms of his friend still around him and his face buried in Minho's own hair. He smiled slightly as he turned around as careful as he could to face him.

  "Binnie," he whispered, hoping to wake the boy up. Once he noticed the boy had no reaction at all, Minho sighed and tried again,

 "Changbin," a little louder this time, getting closer to him.

 

"Hm," The boy replied still with his eyes closed and arms wrapped around Minho.

 "I need to pee, let me out," Minho whispered, Changbin shook his head and made a small noise indicating no. Minho rolled his eyes and lifted his head up to kiss the younger's nose.

 

"Please Binnie, I'm about to fucking pee right here." Changbin chuckled and let his arms untangle from Minho, who made a noise of accomplishment and gave his friend a kiss on the forehead before running towards the hallway, leaving Changbin smiling on the couch with a blanket wrapped around him. A sense of guilt eating him up inside a bit but mostly his body feeling some sort of happiness, something he hadn't felt in a while.

 

Minho was on his way to the bathroom to wash up when he passed by his bedroom and noticed all the letters scattered around on his bed. He sighed and entered the room, grabbing the letter with a  **_three_ ** on the front.

 

Softly sitting on the bed, taking out the letter from the envelope preparing himself to read through these again and his heart feeling heavy at the fact Jisung wasn't here. Reminded of how much he missed his best friend, his everything.

 

_ Minho, _

_ It was weird. _

_    Something happened. _

_ And it was weird. _

  
  
  
  



	6. V

_ Minho, _

_ It was weird. _

_    Something happened. _

_ And it was weird. _

_    Me and Hyunjin have been friends for a long time, right? Not as long as you and me of course, but we've been friends for long enough for me to no longer feel weird around him. _

_   But when this happened, I felt  _ **_weird._ **

_ I don't think it was a bad type of weird though, more of a wtf just happened weird but you don't mind it happening. _

_   It was just weird. _

 

_ We were together reading a book for English class when I subtly mentioned how much you loved reading and how you have read mostly every damn book in the school library, I talked about how I don't understand how you could be so enchanted by books when I thought they were the most boring shit on the planet. At that point, I was blabbering and Hyunjin just sat there staring at me. Listening to every word, watching my lips as I talked. Until eventually he cut me off by calling me beautiful in a hushed voice, as if he was trying to keep it between himself and his thoughts. _

_   I heard him obviously whispering and questioned what he just said, that's when he asked me about you and why I talk about you so much. _

_    I didn't know how to answer that without making a fool out of myself so I just stood there stuttering over my own words. He chuckled, standing up from his office chair and walked over to the bed sitting in front of me. He started to mention how you had a girlfriend, you had Dahyun. He mentioned how I deserve someone who will give me the attention I deserve. It's like he was subtly telling me to get over you, to look for someone who will give me what I deserve.  I was mesmerized, Min. Mesmerized. I couldn't stop staring at those eyes of his. He was looking at me with the same damn sparkle I look at you. I panicked as I saw him smile slightly and I felt weird because well, he's Hyunjin, my friend.  _

 

_ He told me to tell him to stop whenever I wanted him to. The problem was,  _ **_I didn’t want him to._ ** _ I stayed silent just watching his pretty pink lips dancing all the way up my arm, to my shoulder, grazing softly against my jaw. All doing this, he told me things that I never thought would come out of my  _ **_friend, Hyunjin’s_ ** _ mouth. These were things I wanted you to tell me. _

_ Things I dreamt of being told.  _

_   He asked me if he wanted me to stop. _

_ I could’ve told him yes.  _

_   I could’ve stopped then and there, continued being normal  _ **_friends_ ** _ with Hyunjin. _

_ But seeing those mesmerizing eyes with his small angel kiss under his eye, hearing pretty lips speaking such beautiful words while softly leaving small ounces of love around me made me feel so weird. _

_ So weird that I told him not to stop.  _

_     He didn’t. _

_ I got my first kiss that day. _

 

Minho stopped reading, it’s this part where he gets to see how the story unveils itself truly. Jisung ends up with Hyunjin, he really isn’t missing but instead ran away with Hyunjin to wherever the dancer claimed a month ago, went for a studying opportunity to Busan. How he is actually living happily with Jeongin and dating Hyunjin,  **happy.** How Minho just lost not only his best friend but his source of happiness. A sigh escaped his lips as he gripped onto the paper, tempting to just rip it and forget about it forever. As he thought about ripping the paper he questioned on why would he want to hear the storyline of how Jisung fell in love with Hyunjin? Minho thought about moments before Jisung disappeared. He remembered how close the two boys have gotten before Hyunjin left for Japan and Jisung disappeared.  The smiles, the laughs and the way Jisung’s eyes glowed repeated in his head making his blood boil as he thought about the fact that he wasn't the reason why Jisung had those smiles, laughs and glowing eyes, it was Hyunjin. 

The dancer threw himself back on the bed and groaned, feeling like a complete idiot.

How could he have been so stupid?

Obviously, Jisung was tired of waiting for Minho's oblivious ass to come around and instead fell in love with Hyunjin and these letters are just Jisung explaining to Minho his love life.

How great.

He gritted his teeth as he thought about how dumb he was for not being the one to be able to kiss up Jisung's arm and shoulder, being the one to first lay his lips on those heart shaped ones. Regretting every moment spent not telling Jisung how he felt. The words on the paper yelled at him to continued to be read even if it deeply hurt Minho.

_ Shit I don't know why I am writing this. I'm not supposed to like him, not now. I can't like him? I can't get too attached to him too? I'm planning to leave soon, if I get attached again it'll just end in a disaster huh. I'm already in a disaster Min. I'm in a disaster of fear. I'm in fear of hurting people, I already know going through this plan is a risk of hurting someone else. I hate hurting people so much Min. That's why I want to leave, because if I'm gone I can't hurt anyone else. I can't hurt myself because I wouldn't have to deal with any of this bull shit the world has to give me. I'm tired of the bullshit. I can't wait to be able to breathe again and be me. Be free. _

_ Living here in Korea won't let me be free. It's holding me in it's cage, it's like a giant pillow suffocating me. I hate everything here. _

_  Well everything, except you. You're always my exception Min. You're the one keeping me breathing. _

_  God, I miss you. _

_ I wonder what you're thinking about right now, what you're feeling, what you're doing, what you're wondering. I don't know if you're even reading this right now and I'm just weirdly writing about how much I miss you to absolutely no one.  What if i am just waiting for my time writing these? What if you don't even care? _

_  One moment everything is okay and I feel like staying. Maybe it'll be worth fighting for. But the next, everything is shit. Absolute shit. _

_  I feel so done with everything Minho. Everything is just absolute shit. _

_   Well, not everything. _

_ You. You're not absolute shit my Min. _

_   You are the reason I was so close to throwing these letters away and staying. _

 

_ It was almost midnight Min. Almost midnight when I heard your pretty little hands tapping against my window. You waved at me with a soft smile and of course I let you in, even if it was almost midnight. _

__

_    I was about to start complaining to you that you shouldn't come so late that it was dangerous and dark outside but you won me at the convo first. _

_   You just grabbed me and hugged me, you started telling me all these nice things about how much you love me, how you can't live without me. My heart fluttered all over as you just stood there giving me these eyes that I thought I saw them sparkle too but maybe it was just my imagination.  _

_   I told you, almost threw the damn letters away. Don't know what stopped me. I keep thinking about how you say you needed me, didn't know what to do without me. You probably meant it as you need me as a friend, which is completely okay you know? You need me as a  _ **_friend_ ** _. That's what convinced me to keep the letters and hide them in the bottom of my drawers.  You need a friend, you don't need me in specifically. You have Chan, Woojin, Hyunjin, Changbin and even little baby Jeongin who we barely saw because of him living in Busan while we're stuck in a hell called Seoul.  _

_   I'm going to miss you so much Min. _

_  I don't know why I keep saying it as if I'm saying goodbye to you permanently. Why does it feel like I'm never going to see you again? Why does it hurt so much to write you these letters? Maybe because a part of me believes I'm never going to see you again. _

 

The boy stopped himself from reading again. His breath gone and a small tear rolling down his cheek. 

 

Did Jisung not want to see him anymore? Was he officially done with Minho? 

 

Because last time Minho checked, he sure as hell wasn't done with Jisung. He actually realized now more than ever that he needed Jisung. Not as a goddamn  **friend** , not as a boyfriend, not as anything else just as Jisung. 

 

He needed his Jisung, his everything.

 

Looking over at a picture frame of his friend group, this time with baby Jeongin right in the middle of the group doing his signature L on the chin pose while the rest of the group gathered around him. Chan was on Woojin's back, Changbin and Jisung both leaning over and kissing Minho on the cheek while the boy had the biggest smile and brightest crescent moon eyes. Hyunjin was besides Jeongin giving him the softest look.

  His eyes landed back on Chan and Woojin and noticed how big Woojin was smiling up at Chan. He remembered the days of crying to Woojin about how tired he is of being so dumb, being so stupid for not being able to tell Jisung how he felt. Woojin would listen to every word he said, comforting him in the best way possible before telling Minho to breathe and remember that no matter what he did, he could never lose his treasure. How funny is that? The universe truly a comedian.

 Another thing he remembers was Woojin telling him everything about Chan and how he would constantly have to show up at the studio or Chan's apartment in late hours of the night to be able to get the boy tucked in bed, safe and sound. How he would have to constantly go grocery shopping to prepare food for the younger boy so he wouldn't be stuck eating chips and coffee or red bulls the whole day. He would stay up for hours just comforting the boy and watching him sleep when the younger was having nightmares or insecurities. 

  Minho asked him  _ why _ .

_ Why _ he would spend so much time taking care of him instead of taking care of himself?  _ Why  _ he would do the above and beyond for being a good friend?

Woojin smiled, looking over at Chan who laughed with Jisung and Changbin, replied with a simple answer, "Care and love protects them."

 

Minho at that time didn't get it. He was dumb and oblivious, a total shithead. But now, under the circumstances he had to go through, he gets it.

He gets why Woojin was and still is so caring and protective over Chan. He was afraid of something happening to him, afraid of losing him.  

 

Minho now knows how hard it is to let go of something. Something, you never even had.

 

_  I am just going to say it Minho. _

_ This may be one of the hardest things I ever had to but I have to say it. _

_   I take back all the things I said about the possibilities of us rejoining again someday, that these letters aren't goodbye. I take that back. This is a bye, Minho. I'm sorry for giving you hope that someday we'll reunite. _

_  We won't. I'm sorry. I feel horrible, I feel scared, I feel like everything is changing. Im so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. _

_   God, I'm such a mess.  _

_ Haha have to go before I get even more upset _

_ Goodbye Minho. _

  
  


_ Sincerely,  _

__ **_H._ **

 

The dancer sat up in his bed staring at the last words, feeling his heart shatter even more than it already was, not knowing that was a possibility. The tiny pieces of his heart even more shattered than ever. Jisung being gone hurt already but something about Jisung saying goodbye forever and never wanting to see Minho again hurt so much worse. The boy didn't want to say goodbye to Jisung. 

 

But last time he checked, you technically can't say bye to someone if they don't say bye back. Minho hasn’t said goodbye back. Meaning, it technically didn't count if there's nothing to say goodbye to. They were supposed to be Minho and Jisung forever, but forever didn't give them a chance. You can't say goodbye to something that hasn't even said hello to yet.

 

Minho sat there staring at his wall of polaroids, the letter in his hand. Knuckles white from holding it tight in his grasp. He stared at a picture of Jisung, Changbin and Chan laughing together in the studio, headphones on their neck and pencils resting on their ear.

 Staring at the photo some more, observing all the different details before abruptly sitting up. A small gasp escaping his lips. Feet walking over to the living room, hopeful eyes immediately going towards the smaller boy wrapped up in a blanket staring at some cartoons on the television.

  "Bin?" His voice seemed to choke out, standing with the letter in hand.

"Oh, hey.’’ Changbin answered with a lazy smile on his face, voice groggy and small little black bangs covering his face, "That was a long pee break Minho, you okay?" He chuckled, attention going towards the elder.

 

"Can you answer me something, truthfully?" The dancer asked ignoring the question the younger asked.

 

"Of course, Min," Changbin sat up, muting the characters from the television.

 

"How did Jisung feel about me? What did he tell you and Chan that he couldn't tell me?" He asked, staring down at the ground for a while with his hands clasped together, his eyes slowly going up to meet the rapper’s eyes. Changbin sat up, his face widened in surprise at the question. Mouth dry and open slightly as if he was shocked at the question and trying to find the right words to say. The silence killing Minho before the younger looked down at the ground with a chuckle before giving the dancer a  _ much  _ needed response.

 

"You got the letters huh?" 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
